Deeply Sorry

Maybe what I'm doing really bothers you, make you hate me. My emotions are always explosive and it seems I can not control it. Maybe you look at it like I always blame you, I was always dissatisfied with every thing you do, and I always feel the most right person so you have to follow my wishes. Is it true as what you think about me?

Honestly your thoughts like that make me hurt. With your mind, you make me such an evil human being, as I tried to master and always arrange every thing in our relationship, and you have to follow what I say. Do you think I'm that evil for doing this to us?

Maybe my attitude was wrong, with anger and harsh words to you. You must know, inside me like there is a bowl that holds little by little the feelings and impressions that arise about the things around our relationship. If those things I thought was a bad thing, I'm trying to tell you, yes maybe not directly leading to the points that I mean, because I know you will feel very offended if I do something like that. So I chose to say it slowly, with a few sentences that pertain to things that I purpose, and hope you can catch what I'm trying to say.

at Pandawa Water Park. With our little brothers

But apparently it did not work. Instead of this bowl filled with emotional feelings that spilled bit by bit and eventually I felt compelled to tell you directly what I had in the bowl capacity. But apparently it makes you hurt, and makes me look awful in front of you.

Baby, if you want to know, it is one of my attempts to make us better. that's all I want, make us better. We both are learning from each other for this, aren't we? We're both want to be better in our relationships, aren't we? just like that. Because I think, the least bad thing that I or you feel in our relationship, we have to say it, and we must to correct it, so it will not continue to live among us and until finally be petrified.

But we have solved them. At least, we can take a lesson from it all. And I have started correcting myself what I had done was a mistake I should not do, such as using anger, or words that are not appropriate to say to you. Because I really give up with it all, because I do not know what way I should have to told you .... Sorry. Maybe you should teach me and tell me what I should do. Sorry about that painful things I have done unto you.

Because I love you so much. I really care about us. Maybe I can not do it alone, because a relationship is about me and you. We are a team, so the problems that we find we must face together. I really love everything about us, so I want us to walk so perfect, even though I know nothing is perfect in this world, but at least we should be able to do the best for us, we should be able to be the best. if not we are working on it, who else will do it?

Man is a mystery for another. I still remember your words stating that even husbands and wives sometimes do not know what each other wants. Yes, so do we. I am not a shaman who can read your mind, and I'm sure you're also the same. we have to say it, or at least we have to show it. So also about feelings. I still remember you often say, " Aku nggak gitu kok... Ah itu cuma perasaanmu aja."
Yes this time I often second-guessing or sometimes there is a strange thought, it's because I never know what you feel and what you think. I can not guess the correct one hundred percent with what you feel or what you think, I become like that because you never tell me what you feel. So please, for the next time, you can say what you feel: how do you love me, how did you miss me, how do you not like about what I do, and others. just say, let all can be understood.

my Life with You

as I already said yesterday ....

live with you in a few months made ​​me find a new rhythm in my life. In the morning I woke up, preparing to go to college, came home when completed the first class and whenever possible I bring home meals for our lunch .... during the last session of my class you always come away with me, after that we can do anything spontaneously: buy rujak, a walk to Malioboro, a look into the animal market, buying a ring with our name, enjoying the day at the Indrayanti beach, or just at home playing with Bruno .... and last when night comes, we argued about what would we choose for dinner? and in a lot of time you will give in if I say, "No Pak Pur again!" lol. Then after dinner, we watch OVJ,  or movies that we borrow, until finally falling asleep. all very exciting for me, to spend time with you .... live day by day ....

in just a few months together, I discovered a new pattern in my life especially my life with you. will always feel excited when expecting what and how the thing i would welcome the next day .... with a kiss and you say " met malem, Bunda ..." or " met pagi, Bunda..." or maybe with a ritual anger when your alarm rings at an inappropriate time. lol.

times when we lived together, maybe you have found many faults, many things from me that are not what you expect about. I even had time to think, maybe after this you doubt your wish to marry me. lol

but in spite of all that, makes me miss you too much. This longing is such a nonsense. such as intense itching that if carded still does not fade .... even causing injury and end up hurting myself. no one can help .... I can not, you also can not, then who can? no one and nothing. always end up with an annoying feeling if I miss you too much like this.

if I could ask for something, the only thing that I want is to be with you. 24 hours in 7 days .... with you to start the day and end it still remains with you. without having to cry anymore because to miss you ....

" I'll be The Greatest Fans of Your Life " - Goo Goo Dolls

more than half year not write any word here.

the last was September, right a month before we made our greatest tragedy ever.... should we call it as a tragedy? uhmm.... no. better a 'mistake', doesn't? because a mistake is a 'missed-take', we missed out to take the right one....  but start from that's where we became aware of what is right, and what we did was a really 'mistake'. And because we know we still love each other, so we want to rise up and to learn from that mistake ... to move on to be better, there are many who have to sacrificed, and much to hurt so deep ... but it was all worth it, especially for now, after all we've been through, we become better and become stronger.

therein lies the lesson that we get ... everyone deserves a second chance, and I'm very grateful you gave me that second chance.
But here I do not want to discuss about it further, or deeper. because I think we do not have to always remember the painful past .... let the painful past stays into memories in our hearts and minds that one day it will be buried with many new memories, but still, the values ​​that we derive from it will still be something that we always hold on to. 

Associated with the title of this post, yes you must have been very familiar with that song ... You know what? every time I hear this song my mind is always brought back at our moments in Semarang ... moments when we can be so spontaneous, and very excited about everything.... very liberal without thinking what will happen tomorrow ... on our mind when the moment happened was only how or what way we can spend time together, to have fun and vibrant .... although we do not know the place where we would sleep that night, haha .... very funny ... very nice .... very spontaneous .... very innocent .... very brave... very honest .... really fall in love ....

a side of his hometown, from my underwater camera

 

I did not care about waiting all day in the car, wrote a lot of stupid and ridiculous things, just to wait for you finished your duty .... I also did not care we had to sleep in the car near a garden, or under the bridge .... make ridiculous pose or stupid face in our pictures in the car, just to enjoy the time ....

In fact the time had kept so many things that have happened in our lives. make it into history .... even a song can be the conductor, a good storyteller about a time that had ever happened between us and love ...